中英文翻译,很牛的内容

  • In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
    最近的一次调查发现,百分之九十四的美国女性都把贞操献给了Chuck Norris。剩下的百分之六不是太胖就是太丑。

  • Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
    Chuck Norris发明了一种把Roundhouse Kick和空手道结合起来的(肢体)语言,所以下次他踢你屎忽的时候,不要觉得被冒犯或者被伤害;他可能只是想说你的帽子挺好看。

  • If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
    如果你一开始不怎么成功,你就不是Chuck Norris
    (谚语:If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.)

  • If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he’d kick your ass.
    在“Chuck Norris历”里,每一个月都叫“查月”,而且每一天都是踢忽节。

  • Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don’t get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
    Chuck Norris并不是只能嗅到恐惧的味道,他还能感觉到希望,那些“真希望当时能躲过Roundhouse踢”

  • Chuck Norris’s show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn’t run.
    Chuck Norris的电视剧叫"会走路的德克萨斯噩梦",因为他从来不跑。

  • MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
    马盖先能用口香糖和曲别针造出飞机,但是Chuck Norris能用Roundhouse Kick把自己的头踢穿一堵墙,再捡回来。

  • Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
    每个成功人士的背后都有一个女人;每个死亡人士的背后都是Chuck Norris。

  • What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
    UFC通常是Ultimate Fighting Championship(终极角斗锦标赛)的缩写,但这不是全称。它的全称是无Chuck Norris版的终极角斗锦标赛

  • Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
    Chuck Norris用铁屑、工业去污剂、甲醇的混合物刷牙。

  • The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris’ age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
    测定Chuck Norris年龄最简单的方法是切开数年轮。

  • There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
    对人类灵魂是否存在的争论从来没有休止,但Chuck Norris证明了它存在,并且很好吃。

  • Most boots are made for walkin’. Chuck Norris’ boots ain’t that merciful.
    大多数鞋子的设计目的都是为了行走,Chuck Norris的鞋子可没这么仁慈。

  • The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
    美国抵制1980莫斯科奥运会并不是因为政治原因,而是因为Chuck Norris在跆拳道练习中,用一个RoundHouse踢就把代表团全灭了。

  • Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
    Chuck Norris的安全套是一条活的响尾蛇。

  • The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
    圣经的原标题是“Chuck Norris和伙伴们”。

  • Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
    Chuck Norris开始卖全方位健身器,使他每天的对手都不那么悲惨——这个尝试失败了。

  • Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn’t like Fudge Ripple.
    知道为什么Baskin Robbins只有31种口味的冰激淋吗?因为Chuck Norris不喜欢美式巧克力味的。

  • When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
    当Chuck Norris说“拳打南山猛虎、脚踢北海苍龙”的时候……他就真的指字面意思!
    (The cowbell was also the subject of a famous Saturday Night Live skit popularly known as "More Cowbell ." )

  • On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
    在Walker: Texas Ranger里,Chuck Norris救回了一只濒死的羊羔,仅仅是用他的胡须蹭了蹭。当旁观者聚集起来时,羊羔又生龙活虎了。然后他用Roundhouse踢秒杀了这只羊羔,只是为了证明天下没有免费的午餐。

  • Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin’ about.
    不明,请指教了。

  • Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
    谷歌不会搜索Chuck Norris,因为他知道“你不去找Chuck Norris,Chuck Norris就会来找你了。”

  • Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
    不明。

  • Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
    有了。

  • It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
    在科学意义上,Chuck Norris不可能有一个人类父亲。最流行的假说是他回到了过去,日出来了自己。

  • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
    Chuck Norris轰爆了元素周期表,因为他只认识“惊异元素”。

  • It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
    人们相信恐龙灭绝的原因是一枚巨大陨石。这是真的……如果那“巨大陨石”指Chuck Norris的话。

  • Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
    Chuck Norris枪击了警长,但是用RoundHouse踢了副警长。
    (I shot the sheriff,歌名。)
  • That’s not Chuck Norris doing push-ups — that’s Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
    Chuck Norris不是在做俯卧撑,它是把地球推离一颗致命的小行星。

  • Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
    Chuck Norris就能管中窥豹。
    (典故:judge a book by its cover)

  • Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
    没有东西能逃离黑洞,除了Chuck Norris。Chuck Norris直接吃了黑洞。据说口感像鸡肉。

  • Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn’t have nearly enough balls.
    Chuck Norris不玩彩票,那些球太少了。

  • Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
    问:几个Chuck Norris才能换一个电灯泡?答:零。因为他喜欢在黑暗中杀人。

  • As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
    罗斯福:“我们恐惧的,就只有恐惧本身而已……以及Chuck Norris
    (毛片儿:主席说:“人民群众是不可战胜的。除了Chuck Norris”)

  • Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia’s infrastructure.
    Chuck Norris拒绝毒品。因为如果他不拒绝的话,哥伦比亚就毁了。

  • Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
    1940年,即Chuck Norris出生的那年,Roundhouse Kick的死亡率上升了13000个百分点。

  • Crime does not pay – unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
    不明。请指教。Crime does not pay是“犯罪划不来”的大概意思。

  • Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.
    Chuck Norris发明了Internet,只是为了找个地方存他的毛片。

  • Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
    Chuck Norris没有自己的房子。他随便走进一间,里面的人搬出去。

  • It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
    给予总是比索取好,尤其对于Roundhouse踢来说。

  • Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
    Chuck Norris是唯一一个在不眨眼比赛中同时赢了Ray Charles和Stevie Wonder的人。
    (俩人都是瞎子音乐家……好吧,阿炳)

  • Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
    木材的滥用并不是森林过度砍伐的原因,Chuck Norris缺牙签。

  • Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking… because the Rock is Chuck Norris’ personal chef.
    Chuck Norris能闻到夺命岛上在做什么菜,因为夺命岛是他的私人厨子。

  • When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
    Chuck Norris走奥勒冈小径的时候,他的家人并不是死于霍乱或痢疾,而是更可怕的“脸部RoundHouse踢”。他也不需要马车,只是把牛羊什么的背着——他就绝对比你快。

  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
    Waldo藏起来是因为Chuck Norris。

  • "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It’s also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
    断背山不仅仅是一个电影,它也指Chuck Norris前院里那堆死忍者。

  • When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say ‘please’."
    罗老师的翻译——上帝说:“要有光”;Chuck Norris说:“求我呀”
    废弃翻译:神说:“要有光”,Chuck Norris说:“说‘请’。”

  • Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris’ fists is inside his own body.
    Chuck Norris不吃东西,食物们自己明白,唯一能幸免于他拳头的地方就是他的胃里。

  • One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
    有一天,Chuck Norris在街上走着走着扯旗了。没有幸存者。

  • Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
    Chuck Norris做了一个时间机器去阻止刺杀肯尼迪,在奥斯瓦德开枪的瞬间,他用胡子偏转了那三颗子弹。于是肯尼迪的头被骇爆了。

  • Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
    有了。

  • Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
    Chuck Norris晚上点灯,不是因为他怕黑,而是黑怕他。

  • Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
    Chuck Norris没法扔飞镖玩,每次他玩的时候,整个房子就塌了。

    ————————————吃饭去,回来继续——————————

  • Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
    在每集Walker: Texas Ranger之前,Chuck Norris都要注射14倍致死量的大象用镇定剂,当然,是用来限制他的力量和灵敏,来提高他戏中对手的生存几率。

  • When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
    Bruce Banner暴走,就变成绿巨人;绿巨人暴走,变成Chuck Norris。

  • Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn’t ever want fries with anything. Ever.
  • Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
  • Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  • Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
  • Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough
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    忙碌的一天

    上午高高兴兴来到单位,被告知需要去某位高级客户家做桌面终端的技术支持,于是欣然前往,这位老同志是王蒙同志的前同事,人民文学出版社的前副主编,著名的小说评论家。老人家和蔼可亲的接见了我们,慈祥的说,他的电脑在正常使用过程中“忽然就起不来了。”,经过现场勘查,我得出初步结论,注册表文件损坏。使用控制台修复之后又报告另一个系统文件ntfs.sys丢失,再度修复之后,计算机就滞留在启动画面上,无穷往复的显示那个winxp的滚动条了。
    在征得老同志首肯之后,我本着惩前毖后治病救人得方针,再不格式化老同志硬盘得前提下,审慎的从新安装了系统,保留了老同志的大量著作和照片。到中午11点30为止,系统全面恢复了,一切正常,能为老同志工作我很欣慰,我和一起同去的同事高高兴兴的回到了局里。
    紧凑的午饭之后,我开始着手于下午的工作,下午首先要制作一个商务客户的综合查询系统原型,借助.net 2.0的强大功能和前期大量的数据拆分工作结果,我很欣喜的在3点之前完成了这一富有挑战性的工作。期间,老同志再次给我打电话,报告系统再再次重新启动之后报告其他文件丢失,至此可以确定,电脑的硬件有不明故障,我帮助老同志分析了故障的原因,并建议他质询相关的硬件供应商。老同志欣喜的离开了。接下来,我有关注于微软本月的安全公告,本月微软工发布了12个安全公告,其中严重级公告有8个之多,考虑到企业中大量用户都没有开放自动更新,我决定分析一下那些安全公告所提供的漏洞是非常可能在本局域网下传播的,并针对本安全公告发布企业内通告,提醒大家及时更新补丁。
    其后,我又写一个小的查询网页,看看表马上就到了下班的时间了,感觉今天还是很忙碌的,当然,作为一个高尚的人,一个脱离了低级趣味的人,有个有益于人民的人,我为自己过的如此充实而感到骄傲。

    北京有的演员满腔热情,歌颂英雄人物,展示社会的精神风貌,一听名字就能得一等奖

    马志明:“马氏相声”的风格和方法,是聊相声,没有表演痕迹,聊着聊着观众就乐了,注重塑造人物,说的是小市民的事,讽刺的事小市民身上的劣根性,比如有人跳楼,下面的人说你没胆子你不敢跳,我们讽刺的是这种人,“马氏相声”只适合在下层演出,迎合的是低层次的观众,不敢也不能上电视。

      新京报:中央电视台春节联欢晚会有没有邀请过你?

      马志明:请过好多次,我不敢出去,我老爷子去过一次,效果比天津差多了,我去干什么白浪费人家的食宿费,送我回来还费汽油,我只能表示感谢。

      新京报:现在很多网友和观众称你是相声大师,传统相声的集大成者,你给自己的定位是什么?

      马志明:我给自己的定位就是艺人,靠这个吃饭,北京有的演员满腔热情,歌颂英雄人物,展示社会的精神风貌,一听名字就能得一等奖,他们应该受到更高的尊重,享受更好的待遇,我的思想境界跟他们没法比,我也想那样活,但没有那个条件,我只能说《白事会》,《大保镖》我说那些东西大家不承认,我就没饭吃。对北京的演员,我也一直怀有敬意,天津演员没法跟北京演员比,不是一个层次,他们代表了相声发展的先进方向,以后相声应该按照他们的路子说。

      新京报:你认为“马氏相声”如何发展?

      马志明:“马氏相声”不易再发展了,基本没有太大前途,消亡是正常现象,“马氏相声”反应的是小市民的灰暗的一面,迎合低层次的观众,格调不高,现在虽然还在说,但说的人就像个小商小贩一样,给大家取乐,只能说有益无害。

      新京报:你的儿子马六甲是不是还在说相声?

      马志明:他现在研究所工作,基本上不说相声,我不想让他跳这个“是非坑”,他让我培养得比较明智,对说不说相声无所谓了。

      新京报:很多观众觉得你这几年很少出来演出,不知是什么原因?

      马志明:现在大学都喊“少马爷”,闹得我很不好干,说一些新段子,没有情绪和精力去创作,说一些老段子也没有什么意思,我现在有时出来演出一是为了儿子将来,二是见见老观众,如果有人把后半辈子的钱给我,我就不出来说相声了,但是非常感谢这么多年来容忍而且还在听并且喜欢“马氏相声”的人。

      新京报:近几年很多天津相声演员前往北京发展,有的成绩还不错,比如郭德纲。

      马志明:从天津曲艺团出去的相声演员,逗哏的很少,他们有的脱离了小市民气和低级趣味,取得了成功。至于郭德纲,他很能吃苦也肯钻研,而且他很尊重传统相声,尊重无名艺术家。他在北京从场子里只有一个人到现在一票难求,其实是很不容易的。

      我不赞成相声演员让国家养着,好长时间也不出来见观众。郭德纲其实是观众培养起来的相声演员。至于现在炒得这么凶,我觉得不应该“捧杀”,也不应该“棒杀”,让他顺其自然,自己发展就好。但我希望他不要骄傲,以后更加努力并且更加正确的认识自己.

    周末?休息日?我没有休息日

    记得以前有个笑话,一个做销售的哥们给一个做技术的哥们打电话,说我的客户遇到问题了,你需要给我提供支持,技术的哥们说,我下班了,现在是周末。销售的哥们破口大骂,说爷不知道这是周末吗,糊口啊大哥。技术哥们说:那分十分之一年薪给我?
    这笑话不好笑,我就是那个没销售十分之一年薪的搞技术的人,而且周末,我还在搞。从今天早上9点开始我就坐在机器前面摆弄那些代码了。为了保证效率,我昨天晚上些了一个长长的todolist。今天我就开始自食其果。那个List似乎没有尽头,每当我把一个todo item 的status修改为cove以后,总会顺手做个下拉动作,然后吸一口凉气。我决定在下一个改版中加入ajax特性,让它自动计算还有多少剩余任务,剩余时间还有多少。为了晚上能够稍微玩一会,就搭上正个白天。明天还有一天的安排。
    我之所以这么干全是因为听信了不让自己50岁时后悔的屁话,现在我深刻质疑自己能不能活到50岁,就算活到了,是否还可以保证健康。
    好吧,让我们乐观点,晚上家里做鱼吃,爸爸的手艺很好,我想我会很享受的吃一顿晚饭。